Looking back over those first few years after my dads death, I see how much I wasn’t prepared for cancer and a loss of that magnitude. I don’t think anyone can be prepared for it. It will hurt to say goodbye to people you love, no matter the circumstance. Death is an unavoidable part of … More 32. It’s You She’s Thinking Of
My second year of teaching began stressed as usual, but there were some perks to having money, for once! I had a brand new telescope I bought with my tax return. I’d been waiting and wanting one for a decade. I didn’t get a Dobsonian because it was too big but I made sure to … More 29. Behind the Bookshelf
I reluctantly began to recognize that I needed an outlet to reach my dad. I decided to start talking to him, which was strange at first but I did it anyway. Sometimes in the car, or at my desk after school. Sometimes I wrote emails to myself that were actually for him. It made me … More 28. It Ain’t Linear
For almost the next two years after my dad died, I had moments of uncontrollable sobbing that were often complete surprises to me. I wondered if it was normal, if anyone else had gone through that. Was it normal to cry that much? Years later I read an article advocating to discontinue the phrase and … More 26. An Ever Loving Light
It was now officially a whole year without my dad. The door I had been fearing for months, had opened. Inside was the void taking me away from my dad’s life, existence and memory. I hung onto the door knob, clasped the sides of the doorway with my tiny hands and fingers, fighting with everything … More 25. The Great Beyond
In one of the last months of living in our house alone, my mom had a panic attack. I don’t think she realized that’s what it was. Our neighbor came over and made her some lunch while Pam came over and stayed the night. It’s funny how unspoken these things are, no one called it … More 24. An Open Door Waits
During September, my stress levels and anger were still running high. I can’t remember anything specific except I was mad as usual, having to accept the way things were. That was the bulk of my anger, the idea that my life story was now: this is Michelle, she’s 33 and her dad is dead. I … More 23. Just Be Happy
(Warning: This chapter concerns suicide and self harm) August began and I was plunging head first into my final semester of school, my student teaching had begun. I would go to two different schools during that fall semester, to get a varied experience. I was terrified. Luckily, I had already gone through the worst thing … More 22. You Might Surprise Yourself
Finally, I returned to Oklahoma. I mistakenly thought I would have things back under control, after being removed from the situation in Houston. I expected my mood to improve but instead found that things weren’t going back “to normal” as I’d hoped them to be. I was different, even if I didn’t want to admit … More 21. Here There Be Dragons
That May was supposed to be a celebration of my graduation, but now that was non-existent. My mom decided we should take a vacation, to celebrate the survival of the worst thing that had happened to us; I think anyway. It was also getting closer to me leaving and going back to school. Everything was … More 20. Long Goodbye
Shine A Light On Me 